Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

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• Harry gets back together with Cho Chang, after a huge argument that culminates in falling into each others' arms. They spend a great deal of the book hate-snogging.
  
• Ginny rebounds, hard, in the direction of Neville Longbottom.
  
• Neville discovers his hitherto unsuspected Animagus talent by turning into a frog every time Ginny kisses him.
  
• Sirius Black returns, having lost some hair and gained a rather dashing set of scars on his left cheek and shoulder.
  
• Someone starts sending Hermione anonymous presents - red rose buds, whole sets of freshly sharpened pencils, brand-new protractors, and chocolate frogs by the kilo.
  
• Ron starts getting paler, skinnier, slightly green, and rather more paranoid, after spending far too long lurking around with the cloak of invisibility on trying to catch the mystery suitor.
  
• It turns out to be the newly rechristened Sirius Grey, discovered when he, Ron, and Pansy Parkinson all collide invisibly outside Hermione's shower cubicle.
  
• On the eve of a vital Quidditch game, Crabbe and Ginny catch each other in the act of sabotaging Harry's broom. They end up sitting on a bench outside having a long heart-to-heart, after Crabbe reveals that Draco dumped him for Goyle just last week.
  
• Minerva McGonagall announces at dinner that Hogwarts is in dire financial straits. The only thing that they can possibly do is to put on a production of Guys and Dolls, with an all-singing all-dancing cast, to raise money. Draco and Harry have a stand-up knock-down row in the Potions class over who gets to play Sky Masterson. Gryffindor loses seven thousand House Points.
  
• Luna Lovegood is cast as Miss Sarah Brown, after demonstrating a stunning and utterly unguessed-at soprano.
  
• Draco and Harry have a stand-up knock-down row in the Potions class over who gets to play Nathan Detroit. Gryffindor loses another nine thousand House Points.
  
• Minerva McGonagall refuses to reveal who has been cast as Nathan Detroit, saying only that "it's a very special guest you'll all be delighted to see".
  
• Voldemort shows up. I shall now transcribe the entire final scene, since I love you all so much.
  

Voldemort: Ahahahahaha!
Harry: You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Voldemort: Stop saying that. *waves wand*
Harry: Aaaaghohnostoppitaaaagh!
Voldemort: Ahahahahaha!
Omnes: Oh no, Harry is being tortured to death by the Dark Arts and we are helpless!
Harry: *is tortured, screaming in agony*
Voldemort: I have the Chosen One in my grip, now! They won't call you the One Who Lived NOW, will they...
Neville (for it is he): No, they won't, foul fiend, for Harry was never the real Chosen One!
Neville (for it is he): *ZAP*
Voldemort: *begins a long and protracted death scene*
Minerva McGonagall: And now, I have the great pleasure to announce that the part of Nathan Detroit will be played by...
Gilderoy Lockhart: Me!
Omnes: *ignores Lockhart*
Voldemort: *dies a bit more*
Minerva McGonagall: Albus Dumbledore!
Dumbledore: *steps out from behind a curtain, looking very swish in a white three-piece suit and fedora*
Omnes: Hurrah! Hogwarts is saved! *throw hats in air*
Hats: *perform magical acrobatics*
Voldemort: *dies some more, loudly and theatrically*
Lockhart: Bah. Still the prettiest. *sulks*
Sirius: I was in this film, really. I'm not just a voiceover actor for a dog. Did I show you my new scars?
Hermione: This is the book, silly. You got a BIG part here.
Sirius: Damn right I've got a big part. Wanna see it?
Ron: You have got to stop giving people straight lines like that, my preciousss.
Harry: Why is nobody paying attention to me? I'm going to go off and find some EVIL to fight, and I'll probably DIE, then you'll all be SORRY.
Omnes: This is the last book, Harry. You're supposed to be living happily ever after.
Harry: DO NOT WANT.

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